IELTS Essay Corrected Band 7 – Competition in Children

IELTS Essay Topic

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion


Childen face many difficulties trying to blend in, especially in this competetive world of |21st century. They come across many challenges in guidance of their parents, teachers, and society in general. Is it right to push them hard with ambition along the way, or should they be taught, and informed on different ways to achieve their goals, such as co-operation, sharing, and be given the space, and time they might need?

Aside from the fact that children need guidance on figuring out what they want to do in life, and how to achieve them, I think most of the times they are pushed too hard. Although I believe at certain aspects that it might be useful to be encouraged, and pushed a little to be prepared for the competetive grown-up world, I also think that suffocating children with ambition might be something irreversible. Childhood is a very important period, and should not be remembered as a time of stress.

On the other hand, children should not be left to discover everything on their own, in order to not get them stressed. They have to learn to handle circumstances, and hard situations. Leading them to do team sports could be a good way to start, so they can learn to co-operate with team work, while they have fun competing.

As the circumstances of the competetive world get harder everyday for everyone, we should be very careful on how we guide children. Leading them right is as important as letting them enjoy the best time of their lives.

Corrected essay

Children face many difficulties trying to blend in, especially in this competitive world of the 21st century. They come across many challenges with the guidance of their parents, teachers, and society in general. Is it right to push them hard with ambition along the way, or should they be taught, and informed on different ways to achieve their goals, such as co-operation and sharing, and be given the space [delete comma] and time they might need?

Aside from the fact that children need guidance in figuring out what they want to do in life, and how to achieve it, I think most of the times they are pushed too hard. Although I believe in certain aspects that it might be useful to be encouraged, and pushed a little to be prepared for the competitive grown-up world, I also think that suffocating children with ambition might be something irreversible. Childhood is a very important period, and should not be remembered as a time of stress.

On the other hand, children should not be left to discover everything on their own, in order to prevent stress. They have to learn to handle circumstances [delete comma] and hard situations. Leading them to do team sports could be a good way to start, so they can learn to co-operate with team work, while they have fun competing.

As the circumstances of the competitive world get harder everyday for everyone, we should be very careful on how we guide children. Leading them appropriately is as important as letting them enjoy the best time of their lives.

 

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Content Answer

  • task question appropriately
    You have discussed both views but I think you could give more details. You need examples to explain the positive reasons for being competitive or cooperative when you are an adult.
  • Have a clear view/opinion
  • Include relevant main and supporting ideas for the topic
  • Introduce and conclude appropriately
  • Minimum 250 words

Organisation/Structure

  • Use linking words appropriately and accurately, within and between paragraphs
  • Use a formal/academic style
  • Write well structured and balanced paragraphs with clear main and supporting ideas
  • Logically organize ideas
  • Use reference words appropriately and accurately to avoid repetition

Vocabulary

  • Choose appropriate words for the topic
    Just 1 or 2 mistakes
  • Use the correct word form
  • Use accurate collocations
  • Include a variety of words and use accurately
  • Spell words correctly

Grammar

  • Choose the correct tenses
  • Use correct punctuation
  • Use correct prepositions
  • Include a variety of complex and simple structures
  • Use complex and simple structures accurately

Approximate grading for the essay:

Content 6.5

Organisation 7.5

Vocabulary 7

Grammar 7.5

Overall the approximate essay grade is 7.
(This represents 60% of the final writing result)

 

 

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