IELTS Essay Corrected Band 8 – Sense of Competition

IELTS Essay Topic

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion


 

In some modern education methodologies, it is fiercely supported that, children must be encouraged to be competitive individuals rather than cooperative team players. But is this idea prudent enough to make us build our education system on that basis?

Many people ague that to be successful in today’s highly competitive world, individuals should have the skills which can grant competitive advantage to differentiate themselves from the masses. Admittedly, this idea is mostly true for the entrepreneurs who must have the determination and skills to pursue and realise their dreams. Further, in sectors such as; advertisement and marketing, the specialists generally need to put the welfare of their company in front of the masses’ therefore choosing competitiveness and individualism over the good of all.

However, co-operative people are required to make any organization to thrive. Cross-analysing the ideas stated in the previous paragraph, it must be remembered that only 10% – 20% of the entrepreneurs can pursue their ideas to success and in many parts of the organizations co-operation is paramount. Also, if very dire situations, such as acts of war, are taken into consideration, it can easily be understood that, although only a handful of leaders are needed, opposed to a great number of co-operative team-players.

In conclusion, even though our children should have an enough sense of competition to better themselves, they need to be more encouraged to cooperate | to be more beneficial to the society and to achieve greater accomplishments. After all, two hands can always make more noise than one hand.

 

The Essay is Corrected

In some modern education methodologies, it is fiercely supported that [delete comma] children must be encouraged to be competitive individuals rather than cooperative team players. But is this idea prudent enough to make us build our education system on that basis?

Many people ague that to be successful in today’s highly competitive world, individuals should have the skills which can grant competitive advantage to differentiate themselves from the masses. Admittedly, this idea is mostly true for the entrepreneurs who must have the determination and skills to pursue and realise their dreams. Further, in sectors such as; advertising and marketing, the specialists generally need to put the welfare of their company in front of the masses’ therefore choosing competitiveness and individualism over the good of all.

However, co-operative people are required to make any organization to thrive. Cross-analysing the ideas stated in the previous paragraph, it must be remembered that only 10% – 20% of the entrepreneurs can pursue their ideas to success and in many departments of [delete ‘the’] organizations co-operation is paramount. Also, if very dire situations, such as acts of war, are taken into consideration, it can easily be understood that, [delete ‘although’] only a handful of leaders are needed, opposed to a great number of co-operative team-players.

In conclusion, even though our children should have [delete ‘an’] enough sense of competition to better themselves, they need to be encouraged more to cooperate in order to be more beneficial to [delete ‘the’] society and to achieve greater accomplishments. After all, two hands can always make more noise than one hand.

 

Final Feedback

Content

  • Answer task question appropriately
  • Have a clear view/opinion
  • Include relevant main and supporting ideas for the topic
  • Introduce and conclude appropriately
  • Minimum 250 words

Organisation/Structure

  • Use linking words appropriately and accurately, within and between paragraphs
  • Use a formal/academic style
  • Write well structured and balanced paragraphs with clear main and supporting ideas
  • Logically organize ideas
  • Use reference words appropriately and accurately to avoid repetition

Vocabulary

  • Choose appropriate words for the topic
  • Use the correct word form
  • Use accurate collocations
  • Include a variety of words and use accurately
  • Spell words correctly

Grammar

  • Choose the correct tenses
  • Use correct punctuation
  • Use correct prepositions
  • Include a variety of complex and simple structures
  • Use complex and simple structures accurately

Approximate grading for the essay:

Content 8

Organisation 8

Vocabulary 8

Grammar 8

Overall the approximate essay grade is 8.
(This represents 60% of the final writing

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *